Finding The Light

This is just a copy of a blog I posted about a month ago.  For some reason it showed up as a new blog site for me instead of my regular blog site.  I wanted to be sure it stayed in my Welcome To Wherever You are blog site.  There's no new material, just copied and pasted for it to be in the right place.

It's been a really, really long time since I've blogged.  I've wanted to for quite awhile now, but I've really had to sit and think about what it is I wanted to say.  I have had a major life change in the past few weeks and I didn't want to blog about the details of that, especially not right after it happened.  I didn't want my anger in it all to affect my witness for the future.  I've had some time to step away from it.  I've known that it is important to step outside of any situation and get somewhere that allows me to look at the situation as a whole.  That's what I've been trying to do these past three weeks.   

I took a week off and didn't listen to any of my favorite pastors - something I usually did every week.  I also took a couple of weeks off from attending church.  I needed time away.  I needed time to let my anger subside.  I had been avoiding trying to connect to the hurt of it all - that's not my style.  It's easier for me to be pissed about the injustices of any situation instead of seeing the hurt that comes from those injustices.  I'm a very passionate person.  There are few things in life that I commit to doing without being fully engaged and passionate about it.  I just don't see the sense in living that way.  I say, "live full-out, that's the only way."  I've built protections in my own systems of thinking that make it easier for me to deal with the anger than for me to deal with the pain.  The problem with living that way is that it causes a disconnect from the full implications of any situation.  There are countless songs about being broken and dealing with hurt.  It's funny how it seems like those have been the songs that have randomly come on my radio when I've been in the car lately!  I think it's been God's way of trying to tell me that EVERYBODY deals with pain and brokenness.  EVERYBODY has to deal with real hurt at some point in their lives.  He has shown me, especially these past few days, that to be passionate about something, truly passionate and all that it encompasses, I can't just deal with the anger of it all.  I must also deal with the hurt and pain.

I went to two church services on Sunday.  Both services had great messages.  They both spoke to me in so many ways.  I felt God's hand on my shoulder encouraging me to soak in all that was being said. I was listening harder than I think I've ever listened hoping that there would be some words I could take and apply to my situation that would make it all better.  I was hoping that I would hear something, miracle words I guess, that would help it all make sense.  During the evening service I heard these words:  "Sometimes God has to consume our convenience so that we can be consumed with God."  WOW - those were the words.  Those were the words that I had been needing to hear.  They were not the words that I was expecting at all.  What I realized though, is that my convenience of my job was actually lessening the time I spent in real worship of God.  I had become so wrapped up in the business of it all because that was my job, that rarely was there time for worship.  That doesn't mean that I wasn't hearing the Word where I was, I most definitely was.  The Word was being preached and praises were being sung, but I wasn't worshiping.  I was finding it harder and harder to step away from the work of it all to embrace the worship of it.  Things have been becoming clearer and clearer over the past 72 hours.

Now to the hurt of it.  People say that the best way to work through problems is by making a pros and cons list.  I have been halfway doing that.  My cons list was short, not unimportant, but just really short.  My pros list was pretty long and most of it was fueled by the anger I have been feeling.  Sooooo...today God spoke to me in a way that I found myself completely broken.  I listened to a pastor that I listen to on a regular basis.  I heard his words of love for the next generation and how important it is for us as people and as a church to invest in the next generation.  I listened as he talked about being an Eli.  For those of you who read this and don't know about Eli and Samuel, read 1 Samuel 3.  As I listened to the message, I realized that the real hurt in all of it was the people I would no longer have an influence over.  I realized that this summer I won't be directing a youth camp for 60 kids that I love and care for.  I've poured my heart and soul into that camp for the past 3 years.  I'm good at that!  I love those kids.  I've found the balance between being their leader and being their friend which can oftentimes that's a hard balance to figure out.  I know my most fulfilling times are when I am with those kids.  I'm an Eli to them.  It hurts to know that someone else will fill my shoes there this summer.  Someone else will fill my shoes each Sunday morning standing on the patio welcoming people with a warm smile that comes from the heart.  This is my broken place.  They finished the service this week with a video and someone was singing the Pretenders song "I'll Stand By You."  I would guess that when Chrissie Hynde, Tom Kelly and Billy Steinberg wrote that song they never imagined that it would close a church service.  It spoke to me today.  I could hear Jesus saying those words to me. 

Now the real healing starts.  Today is a good day.  I have real perspective on the situation.  Am I still angry?  Of course I am.  Do I think the situation was handled in the way it should have been?  Of course I don't.  But do I see God in all of it?  I do today!  God has provided me hugs and encouragement everyday for the past three weeks.  People have reached out to me by the dozens.  Their words have meant so much to me.  I've felt affirmed in those words.  I've felt love in those words.  I am eternally grateful for the support and encouragement.  Life is good for the Porters.  People keep asking how we are.  We are good!  Life moves on and seasons come and go.  This season of my life has come to an end.  It's been like autumn ending and winter came these past three weeks!  They have been hell, but spring is here and new things are growing!  It's been sad, but now it's exciting!  You hear over and over that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I don't think that's true at all!  Bad things happen, hurt happens and through it all God wants us to need Him.  He wants us to turn to Him for help.  He wants us to realize we can't do it on our own.  It takes Him!  That's the sweet spot!  I hope all of you find the sweet spot!  I'll close with the lyrics to the Pretenders song.  I hope in some way it ministers to you as it did me!  Welcome to wherever you are! 

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you